A to Z Challenge: Pulverizer, The

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“Good morning Fiendlife Insurance, this is Patrick. How may I direct your call?

Uh-huh…uh-huh…no, sure, I understand.

Yes, of course. Now the first thing we need to do – ”

“TREMBLE IN TERROR, PATHETIC FOOLS! YOUR WEAK WORTHLESS LIVES WILL SOON BE AT AN END! NO ONE ESCAPES THE WRATH OF…THE PULVERIZER!”

“I’m sorry…could you hold on for just a second?

Umm…excuse me, sir? You can’t just barge in here like – ”

“THE PULVERIZER DOES AS HE PLEASES!”

“No, sure, I totally get that. But the thing is, Mr. Pulverizer – ”

“THE PULVERIZER!”

“I – excuse me?”

“YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS THE PULVERIZER!”

“Right.

Well, Mr…The Pulverizer, how may I help you today, sir?”

“THE PULVERIZER WISHES TO DISCUSS A RECENT CLAIM THAT WAS INCORRECTLY PROCESSED!”

“Ah, well, the thing is, sir, you’ll need to make an appointment with one of our associates 48 hours prior to – ”

“THE PULVERIZER HAS NO PATIENCE FOR YOUR BUREAUCRACY, TOAD! THIS PROBLEM NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED AT ONCE! YOUR FORMS A-26, F-34 AND W-308 HAVE ALREADY BEEN FILLED OUT!”

“And claim form P-238?”

“WHAT?!”

“Have you filled out claim form P-238?”

“THE PULVERIZER WAS UNAWARE OF THE EXISTENCE OF SUCH A FORM! WHAT DEVILRY IS THIS?”

“I’m sorry, sir, but we cannot discuss problems pertaining to the claims of any supervillian, netherdemon or malevolent extraterrestrial entity without a completed P-238.”

“THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE PULVERIZER IS OUTRAGED!”

“That would explain the all caps.”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”

“Nothing.

Now, sir, I must ask that you file all of the necessary paperwork prior to contacting us.”

“VERY WELL, PUNY MAN. THE PULVERIZER WILL FILL OUT THIS FORM P-238. AND THEN, THE PULVERIZER’S CLAIM SHALL BE ADDRESSED!”

“Well, again, Mr. Pulverizer – ”

“THE PULVERIZER!!”

” – Mr. The Pulverizer, sir, you would need to make an appointment 48 hou – ”

“SILENCE, WHELP! THE PULVERIZER MAKES NO APPOINTMENTS EXCEPT WITH DOOM!”

“Wow…that was a tad dramatic.”

“THE PULVERIZER WAS REFERRING TO MARYANNE DOOM IN YOUR ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT. THE PULVERIZER IS QUITE FOND OF HER.”

“Okayy…”

“THE PULVERIZER WILL RETURN, MONGREL. AND SHOULD YOU DARE SUGGEST ANOTHER FORM TO FILL OUT, KNOW THAT IT SHALL BE FILLED OUT WITH YOUR BLOOD!”

“…

Well, that was exciting. Could this morning get any weir – ”

“INSURANCE MAN!”

“Mr. The Pulverizer, sir. You’re back. Was there something else?”

“YES. DO YOU VALIDATE PARKING?”

“I, uh, no, sir. We do not.”

“UNACCEPTABLE!

THEN COULD YOU SPOT THE PULVERIZER SOME CHANGE TO FEED THE PARKING METER?”

“I – certainly, sir.

I can think of no better way to spend my morning.”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?!”

“Nothing, sir.

Nothing at all.”

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