The Break-Up

“It’s not you, Kaitlyn. It’s me.”

“Oh God, Josh…no – ”

“No, please. I have to say this. You’re a great girl. You really are. The thing is, I’m not who you think I am. Or what you think I am. See, I’m not…human.”


“Yes. I didn’t know how to tell you this, but I’m from an ancient alien race known as the Vynarii. We came to this planet a few weeks ago, planning to infiltrate it. We would disguise ourselves as humans and find human mates, with whom we would have hybrid offspring to slowly colonize the planet.”

“Josh, are you ser – ”

“Please, Kaitlyn. I know how unbelievable this sounds. If I were in your place, I’d find it to be pretty ridiculous myself. But you have to believe me. It’s just that you’re such a nice person, I couldn’t – I can’t go through with this.”

“Wow. I don’t know what to say. I really don’t.”

“It is pretty wild, I’ll admit.”

“Thank you for telling me that, Josh. Now I don’t have to hide either.”

“What do you mean?”

“You see, Josh, I’m not human either. I’m a bounty hunter who’s been tasked with eliminating the Vynarii by one of your oldest enemies. I knew your race was coming here so I got here first.”

“Wait..what? That’s imposs – ”

“Oh, it’s quite possible, Josh. And it’s real. I mean, think about it. Isn’t it convenient how I was always at the coffee shop when you wanted to see me? How often our paths crossed before we started going out? Did you think it was coincidence? That you were tracking some hapless human girl? Oh no, Josh. I was tracking you the whole time. And now that you’ve revealed yourself to me, it’s time to finish the job.”

“Oh shit. Oh holy shit. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t…look, I was just kidding, okay? I didn’t know how to break up with you so I made all that crap up. I didn’t know any of it was real! Oh my God, I’m not an alien! I’m just…a guy! Just some guy!”

“Oh. Well, that’s too bad then. You know my secret. We can’t have that now, can we?”

“Oh God no. Please don’t kill me. I won’t tell anyone! I swear!”

“Too late, Josh.”

“No! Please! GAAAHHHHH! Get away from you, you extra terrestrial psycho!!”

Josh ran as fast as his legs could carry him, screaming at the top of his lungs to the confused stares of passers-by.

Kaitlyn smiled, watching him go. Two can play at that game, Josh, she thought as she walked home.


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